Perhaps I really need to bring more of myself into the blog, or ethnographic project if you will. I identify quite a bit with the 'Vulnerable Observer' text in that in my writing of emotions, particularly my own, ethnographically I am increasingly finding that I can not seperate myself from my observations because they become translated through my experience.

I am a Christian, Methodist to be more precise. I was born and raised in the church, so it has really become a routine part of my life. My family is heavily cultured in church life which is a vague definition I know, but it does have a profound effect on how they see things. My girlfriend is Jewish, and this raises some interesting questions and gets some curious looks from Christian friends and family. My mother related to me a conversation she had with my grandparents and some of my aunts who all live within an hour or so of my home in St. Louis so visit often. A large portion of my mother's side of the family is from the small town of Staunton, Illinois where it is characteristic for everyone to know everyone else, and my family is particularly prone to gossip. By coincidence, Emily, my girlfriend, also had family that was from the same small town. So the topic of the mutual acquantaince came up and my aunts said something to the effect of, "We think we know who she is related to, but she was Lutheran. Is Emily Lutheran?" My mom just told me, "I avoided the conversation because I didn't want to start a debate." I get a similar slightly fearful response from many others, "Are you sure this is okay?" or "I don't think I would be able to do that." They all do remain good friends and are supportive in the end, but the apprehension is there.

In an earlier entry I raised questions of identity, seeing a black and white distinction being drawn to who is 'in' and who is 'out' in terms of Christianity. According to this definition I am 'in' and she is 'out', but yet we are together and in our relationship that boundary does not exist. So am I in one category when with other Christians and in another when I'm with her? Switching roles becomes complicated, especially when they are seen to conflict.

This directly manifests itself emotionally, I want her to be accepted and I become frustrated at a system that could employ classifications based on such a basic principle, but on the other hand I am that system that casts her out. Where do I put my spiritual self, my relationships, my emotions? How can they fit together to one cohesive whole? There is a lot of confusion there, a lot of rethinking what I had grown up with, a lot of attempts to define my 'self'. Emotions tend to reflect this quest.